Premier Pre-Natal League Established for Over-Invested Sports Parents

This exclusive League is open to parents who wish to over-identify with their child’s experience and define their own self-worth based on the success of their children. In this League, parents will have the opportunity to:

 

  • HANDLE ALL SIGN-UPS AND SCHEDULING WITHOUT THEIR CHILD’S INPUT
  • TAKE PART IN PRACTICES AND GAMES WITH A FOCUS EQUAL TO THAT OF THE COACHES
  • TALK ABOUT THEIR CHILD’S PARTICIPATION USING “WE” STATEMENTS
  • MAKE THEIR CHILD’S SUCCESS THE PRIMARY SOURCE OF THEIR EGO-GRATIFICATION
  • MUTTER ABOUT COACHES, UMPIRES, AND (ESPECIALLY) THAT KID PLAYING FOR FUN, TO AVOID EXPULSION FROM GAMES FOR YELLING
  • WRITE STERNLY-WORDED EMAILS TO COACHES AND COPY ALL 30 MEMBERS OF THE LEAGUE BOARD OF DIRECTORS

 

In order to join this League, parents must provide a physician’s letter proving current pregnancy, pending adoption, or a birth certificate showing a birth-date on or after April 30, 2014.

 

Upon acceptance to the League, parents will receive a blanket, a onesie, and and a “tummy time” rug of a bear flattened by a line drive.

 

 

Children who have aged out of this exceptional program may sign up for Farmington Little League Baseball and Softball,which offers leagues for youths ages 4-16. This program is open to all Farmington Youth regardless of parents’ participation in the Zygotes. Parents of these players will have to accept that¬†development can’t be rushed, that children have to be allowed to develop at their own pace, and that maybe their kid would rather write satire.