by Blythe Leigh Rood

It’s the holiday season, and while families and friends will gather around the table to share traditional meals, I am preparing to dig in my heels.

You see, I don’t like certain foods.  I can have issues based on texture, color, smell, and/or preparation methods. There isn’t much rhyme or reason to my pickiness; it’s just me in a particular mood at any given time. As far as I know, I do not have any food allergies (okay, walnuts, but that doesn’t come up too often) so I really don’t have any excuse except my earnest wish to control the situation.

While home cooks are carefully preparing their menus for all the holiday festivities, I am preparing my responses to make it clear to them that I’M NOT GOING TO EAT THAT.  You might think that I am a toddler, but I am actually an adult with a Masters Degree in Communications.

Here’s what I have planned so far:

When offered a meal at a holiday event, I could put a little bit of each food on the plate and push it around while making conversation so that it would appear as though I am being respectful and eating the food.  I could even take a fake bite and then compliment the cook, but I will probably just sit there in silence, looking miserable, and make the cook feel bad for me.

If it’s a big family dinner and I don’t like any of the food, I will just go into the kitchen and make cinnamon toast or something.  Mom might have spent FOUR hours cooking but if I don’t like it, I am not eating it. She can go ahead and cry into her Pinot Noir if she thinks I am going to eat that masterfully created cuisine.

If I am a guest at someone’s home who doesn’t know me very well I go for the fake food allergy.  It’s not that hard these days.  I have even faked a rice allergy because the texture of the rice looked too sticky.

For all you home cooks out there, buckle up.  If it’s not me coming into your Food Network-Anthony Bourdain-loving-Cuisinart-world, it’s someone like me. It is our goal to squash your love of cooking and sharing food with those you love.