The time has come to open the Town Charter. It has been over 50 years since it was amended last. The world has changed and it’s time we changed with it. The referendum vote of June 15, 2017 made clear that the citizens of Farmington are passionate about their wants. Of the over 17,000 registered voters, an impressive 10,000 citizens wanted to stay home or do something else while an important vote was taking place. The “Yes” votes were clear. They had followed the process, were aware of all the steps that the Building Committee and Town Council had taken to ensure that, of the seven options considered, the best option was laid out for the voters. The “No” voters were also clear and it is to them and to the silent 10,000 this proposal is addressed.

In a letter to the editor of the Valley Press, FHS Building Committee member, Justin Bernier and Town Council member, Jon Landry proposed “The way forward for FHS”.   In this they suggested, “A permanent building commission would also leverage a deep pool of talent right here in town. Farmington is home to many engineers, project managers, financial experts, educators and executives with experience and judgement to guide large projects in a voluntary capacity.” That makes perfect sense and that is exactly who was on the Building Committee in the first place:

  William Wadsworth, Chairman and “Founder of Hartford”

          Mecheal Hamilton, Board of Education Member

          Johnny Carrier, Project Manager

          Jean Baron, Educator

          Hilary Donald, Architect

          Dan Kleinman, Attorney, Land Use and Development

          Justin Bernier, Financial Advisor

Since reason and sensibility are no longer the order of the day, perhaps something new is in order.

A Modest Proposal

Farmington High School

• The high school will close and the property sold. The land will be zoned commercial and no cap will be placed on building height. A casino would be nice. The displaced students will be given vouchers to attend any school they can get into. Those 9th and 10th grade students who are not accepted will spend school hours eradicating invasive plant species from within Town borders (especially Japanese Knotweed and Oriental Bittersweet). Uninvited freeloaders are not welcome. 11th and 12th graders who are not accepted to outside schools will have to find employment (see casino option).

Police and Fire Departments

• The police department will be disbanded. The Town has enough gun owners who can settle disputes. If they wish to form a volunteer militia, they may do so, but they will be responsible for their own equipment and uniforms, which must be a male romper in warm weather.
  The fire departments will remain. However, a use fee will be charged to homeowners who still cannot understand something that Homo erectus figured out a million years ago.

Sewers

• An output meter is to be placed on each dwelling to quantify the amount of crap they send to the treatment plant. No one wants to pay for anyone else’s crap.

Garbage

• All garbage shall be disposed of on the homeowner’s property. This will encourage the use of more eco-friendly packaging and products as each citizen will be forced to live in their own garbage.

Road and Sidewalk Fees

• A GPS tracking device will be placed on each vehicle. Fees will be charged based on the mileage put on roads with the Town borders. Higher fees will be charged for crossing bridges. Sidewalk fees will be likewise based on usage and will be paid to the homeowner who is responsible for the maintenance of said sidewalk.

Fall leaf-pickup

• Leaves will be required to stay on the property upon which they were grown.

Taking steps such as these will ensure that no one has to pay for anything for which they have no need. Citizens who rely on lawn signs as their sole source of local news can gamble their stockpiled tax dollars at Foxwoods Farmington.